Assuming that, tommorrow, the rotting hordes of the shambling dead rose up from their graves and began a cannibalistic feeding frenzy, infecting the world with the plague of undeath, what would be your plan of action?
I'd do like any good horror movie and find myself a shotgun and a buxom chick to hold up in a badly defensible location, like a London pub or a cabin in the deep woods. Oh actually I'd need lots of supporting chracters to get eaten by the shambling hordes once our position is discovered. Then as I run out of ammo and myself and the buxom girl are nearly dead we are rescued by the Army or Bernard Hughes.
Easy. I gather up as many women as I could (and maybe some guys just to help with the gene pool), load up on some serious firepower, grab a really nice boat (with GPS and maps) and sail out to a nice island.
The Little Cayman Island in the Atlantic or one of the smaller Hawaiian Islands would be about perfect.
Then I'd do my best to repopulate the planet, or at least my small corner of it ;-)
If any of the survivors in my party are bitten by a zombie, I will IMMEDIATELY know that they are goners, instead of hoping they will somehow "get better". Upon visual confirmation of the zombie infected wound, I will then make ONE attempt to save them. I will amputate said wound "Dead Alive / Brain Dead" style... If this method fails, a 12-gauge in the nostrils will quickly resolve the situation.
STEP TWO: Shooting off a zombie's arm, while amusing, is ultimately ineffective. I will strive to always aim for the head. I will understand that I am not a marksman, however, so will not waste bullets from three blocks away because it'll make me "feel" better.
If any survivor in my party should object to STEP ONE, I will immediately realize that the objectors ALWAY get killed, and a gruesome disemboweling death befits the defiant wretch. I will then humbly retract my plan and advise the objector to stay with the infected person until they get "better"
STEP FIVE: Affectionately capturing a zombie and attempting to humanitize them, or learn their problem, or just to release some angst on 'em every so often, is always going to backfire. Unless we call him "Bub."
I will NEVER try to give medical attention to a bloody, lip-less child standing in my bedroom doorway. Furthermore, any person or persons in my party of survivors attemting to help said child, shall be henchforth held responsible for the wellfare of said child, and follow the procedures listed in STEP THREE.
I will remain fully aware of the risks involved when "handling" zombies. I shall never...at any time, try to force a small crowd of zombies out of a room or doorway, using my hands. A chair, small table or other long object will suffice.
I will also be aware that zombies DO NOT understand any spoken language. Therefore, ordering the undead to "GET OUT!" or "GO AWAY!" will do nothing but draw more undead to your position.
When I encounter a eerie silhouette standing in a dark room, if they do not respond to my hails, I will IMMEDIATELY understand they are a zombie. I will not move in closer and make repeated attempts to communicate...as if they just didn't hear me the first time.
The thing with zombies is you need to be able to stop their kinetic energy.
East-Texas Zombie survival kit:
Low-gauge shotgun. Pump-action or semi-auto are best (remove the hunting plug--who's going to fine you in a zombie apocalypse?), double-barrel is nice if you can get one, but any shotgun will do in a pinch. You don't have to be accurate with a shotgun, as you'll be firing from close range. Hip-shots will work for those of you who don't wanna strain your shoulders.
As many shells as you can lay hands on. The type doesn't matter: rock salt is as good as shot, slugs are very nice if you can get 'em. This part is tricky, though, as the local gun store is already full of zombies.
Axes - as many as you can carry. If one gets stuck, leave it. Woodaxes and fire-axes preferred. Baseball bats will do in a pinch, but go wooden. Aluminum bats are good against the living, but worthless against the undead.
A high-caliber handgun, preferably .45 or .44 caliber. Use hollowpoints or Glazer safety rounds if you can get 'em - AP rounds are useless. For the same reason, so are most 9mm weapons. The shots will go straight through the zombies without slowing 'em down.
A pickup truck. 4WD is best, but nearly any pickup will do.
A bulldozer shovel. Weld it to the front of your pickup. This will be the best weapon in your anti-zombie arsenal. If you're in a less tropical clime, a steel snow-plough is even better.
Homemade napalm and pipe-bombs. If you don't know how to make these, extra gasoline will do - but mind your supplies. Running out of gas is a common, fatal error among zombie survivalists.
Remember, fighting zombies is not about accuracy or damage: it's about kinetic energy. Knock the zombies down, halt their progress, and keep moving. Don't stop to "see if they're dead" - they are. And they'll keep coming. Even a head-shot isn't a sure thing. Burn 'em if you can, but above all don't slow down.
Although I realize that the "taboo" of sexing my undead girlfriend is pretty hot, after the first couple of times, it just becomes gross. I will strive to kill her before someone else does, as that is the romantic thing to do.
In addition to the moral and necrophalic issues involved when doing "the VERY nasty" w/ said girlfriend; there is also the matter of hygiene and possibility of infection. Furthermore, studies in zombie evolution suggest a high probability that a zombie-whore could develop TEETH in every orifice...ouchie.
I will refrain from "girlie-screaming" whenever zombies are present. This only seems to entice them. All party members shall abide by this rule as well. Those who do NOT follow this rule shall be dealt with in the following manner:
1: A verbal warning. "SHUT THE F*%@ UP!!" will do fine:
2: A second verbal warning, following a stern bitch-slap:
3: Three strikes:you're out. Party member shall be shot in the leg and left behind to lure the zombies away.
Yes, a chainsaw is very cool and rips big chunks of zombie-meat. However, it is very unwieldy and should NEVER be used if there are multiple enemies in close proximity (or allies, for that matter).
I will be fully aware that churches and other religious items hold no REAL power over the undead. It works on vampires, NOT zombies. Well...except for undead in the FinalFantasy series...but that doesn't count.
Holding the Vulcan or Avenger Cannon with the highest regards in combat efficiency; the chances of actually FINDING said weapon(s) during a Zombie Apocalypse are extremely rare...
(The movies tend to exaggerate high-powered-weapon availability)
STEP NINETEEN:
Do not depend on anyone to save you, rescue you, or come to check on you. If three days after the apocolypse, you see a boat, truck, or car approaching...arm heavily and prepare for an asault. The odds that the "authorities" are coming to get you (much less knowing where you are) are less likely than the living food supply is getting thinner.
Find a doctor, pharmacist, nurse or surgeon - even if he is trying to cure the zombies - and kidnap him and all the medical supplies you can muster. Chances are that even basic medical attention will prevent a simple injuy from turning into a zombie infestation. Besides soap and water, how many of people could identify intestinitis or treat a urinary infection without consulting someone who knows medicine?
STEP TWENTY ONE:
Communications will be the first thing that society will restore. This will almost certainly be in the form of CB radios or short-wave transmitters. Find one and guard it with your life as it will be your first link to the other conclaves of survivors.
Caveat to STEP TWENTY ONE:
Just becasue you can talk to them does not make them friends, allies, rescuers or even useful. All dealings with strangers should be secure and cautious.
All vehicles in my town shall undergo regular maintenance. So to prevent such an incident where a nearby getaway vehicle simply "won't start" for some reason...
aquire copious amounts of bananas and or plantains..... not for the reasons you would think. Because they can be both a source of fuel (can be brewed into variouse alchohols, this brewing process is another use of the stolen medical team) and as and unspoilable (when in sealed peel) source of variouse sugars and fibers.
If I attempt to hide in an area at all, it will have room for storage and multiple exits. I will not be trapped in a classroom at a high school with a horde of zombies swarming at the only entrance to the room.
So what i'd do is i'd round up a buncha apes and begin jerkin 'em off with a bottle of vaseline intensive car, then when i ran out, it'd shove it up the ass of the biggest one and hope that because these apes have all been jerked off, all they'd have left to do would be to throw shit, and this'd save the day because to have an army of shit throwing apes would have to be effective against the zombie onslaught.
(sigh) Well, since you forgot to NUMBER that one, it will have to be discarded...those are the rules that I just made up...
______________
The Good Cap'n
When I'm walking through a military complex and I see metal cages that have somehow been ripped open from the inside, with bits of furry flesh hanging from the cage; I will NOT just wonder what happened and move on...
If, for whatever reason, my gun runs out of bullets and I know that there won't be any in the next room, I will keep it with me ANYWAY since it will still make a somewhat effective bludgeoning weapon - not the best anti-zombie strategy, but better than nothing.
To avoid the need for a makeshift blugeoning weapon, I will have a pre-selected melee weapon of choice: a fireman's axe, or preferably a long samurai sword (ordered online in preparation long before said apocalypse). I will also be trained in basic combat maneuvers with melee weapon of choice; to avoid unwanted injury to myself or anyone in my surviving party...
When walking outdoors, if the ground suddenly begins to tremble, I will immediately climb a tree, or a house, or some other sturdy concrete structure. I will NOT just stand around and wait for the giant mutant-zombie-earthworm to burst forth from beneath the ground and attack me...
STEP TWENTY EIGHT:
Given that in the days prior to the zombie apocolypse there were no such things as zombies; I shall not immediately reject the idea of the existence of "giant mutant-zombie-earthworms" just because there have never been any before.
When zombies are slowly but imminently closing on my position; I will not spend 30 minutes barricading doors and/or fortifying my position. I will instead spend that 30 minutes running away...to a place that requires NO barricading or fortification.
If "Nuclear Air Strike" ever crops up on my list of options, I will perform it immediately where the zombies are thickest, no matter what survivors may still be in the area - odds are, they would just get killed while I was rescuing them anyway.
STEP THIRTY TWO:
Assume that the Zombie menace is here to stay. Don't wait for scientists (who probably created the menace to start with) will find a cure. Don't think that the zombies will finally rot and go away. Like all social diseases, Zombism will be with us for a long time even after the danger point has passed.
Sidebar to THIRTY TWO:
Don't spend a lot of time worrying about how the Zombie Apocolypse started. Like herpes or AIDS you know how it is transmitted. Wondering how it began is a fruitless exercise and distracts you from survival.
If you must rescue a female companion from certain death more than once; you should assume that you are destined to bone her. Once you do... well... she's just another liability...
And DAMN... all her screaming sure gets annoying...
Once you have survived the Apocolypse, managed to figure out how to defend agasint becoming a zombie yourself, made arrangements for regular supplies and maintenance, estabished ways to monitor the recovery of essential services, and rescued/captured a prospective mate...
Keep your damn mouth shut and enjoy it. Nothing spoils a party faster than univited guests.
well if i woke up one day in my bedroom to see that nearly everyone in my neighborhood has become a zombie, i would go get a kitchen knife, aluminum baseball bat, cellphone, as much canned and dried food as i can find, a few books, and other random shit. i would pile it all into my car, and then haul ass to my friends' houses to gather any survivors. i would bring em all to a nearby mall, or possibly to a walmart that has two floors. i would have everyone go to upper ground, and barricade the stairs so that zombies would have even more trouble climbing upstairs
This is as good a place as any to mention that for the frugal zombie infestation survivalist, Wal-Mart sells machetes for $7.99. It's never too early to start training.
If, however, you were caught flatfooted by the undead menace and are now on a New Orleans style shopping trip to stock up in a hurry, be sure to head over to sporting goods and peruse their wide variety of shotguns. Bring an extra one home for the kids!
I will not follow along with plans laid out by the kamakaze hot-head, let the estranged tough mother go off on her own, allow the ex-cop to cover my six or allow myself to fall into a typically predictable situation such as being cornered with no hope of escape.
The same applies to anything that appears recently broken or otherwise tampered with in any military or scientific setting, and any cage that has been ripped open from the inside in ANY setting.
If, despite having carefully followed these steps, I find myself in a position where my death to hordes of zombies is clearly inevitable, I will not stand there and scream, I will light the fuses/pull the pins on any explosives I may be carrying and dive into the thickest group of zombies I can find. If there are other survivors, perhaps I will distract the zombies long enough for them to escape. If not... well, hey. Might as well go out with a bang, right?
Should an unfortunate situation arise in which all electricity and / or communications in my area [ or the world in its entirety ] are down, I will not search for a way to restore them. It would be a waste of time, as the survival of myself, kidnapped / found / captured female companion, and any others who are as fortunate as I to have lived through the Zombie Apocalypse is more important. Tech geeks who somehow managed to live and are whining about their lack of a WiFi connection shall be tied down and left as zombie fodder.
Sidebar to Step Thirty Eight:
Said whining tech geeks shall be allowed to live if they find a way to restore the electricity or communications.
If electricity is, in fact, available (most probably due to the tech geeks), and I am in hiding somewhere, I WILL NOT waste my time moping about in fear. Instead, I will venture to the nearest video rental store and take as many Zombie Apocalypse movies I can find and do some research. I will study typical zombie attack patterns, failed and successful defense strategies peformed by the living, and any other useful information, all while hugging my shotgun.
Sidebar to STEP THIRTY NINE:
I WILL NOT perform such actions if the risk to myself or others is too great, and I will not let the videos distract me from actual impending zombie invasion, no matter how gripping the story is.
"And after it rains, there's a rainbow
And all of the colors are black
It's not that the colors aren't there,
It's just imagination they lack"
-from Simon & Garfunkel's "My Little Town"
If my beautiful female companion that I rescued from the zombies and is fated to become a love interest is bitten or injured by a zombie, and likely to become one, (In exception to steps ONE and THREE) I WILL NOT abandon her to her fate, but rather try to save her for two important reasons:
1. The desperate hope provided by this experience will increase my personal drive to survive, and
2. The love interest is ALWAYS cured, and by keeping her around I am more likely to find a cure for zombism.
Sidebar to STEP FORTY:
If it comes to a choice between my fate and her's, I will not sacrifice myself for a small chance of her survival.
"And after it rains, there's a rainbow
And all of the colors are black
It's not that the colors aren't there,
It's just imagination they lack"
-from Simon & Garfunkel's "My Little Town"
Given your vast knowledge on zombism (aquired in step thirty-nine) Did you know that zombism isn't contracted, it has to be cast. That being the case will it ever get to the point where it will be truly as dramatic as you say?
Zombism has many different forms, including variation of cause. The most common way to recieve such a disease to to be bitten by another zombie (See Step One, among others), although you can be turned into one through various magics.
"And after it rains, there's a rainbow
And all of the colors are black
It's not that the colors aren't there,
It's just imagination they lack"
-from Simon & Garfunkel's "My Little Town"
Upon closer examination of zombie victims, I will determine if the Zombism is communicable or of a curse-driven variety. Should the cause be the rare "Curse" zombie. After securing a "Zombie Free Zone", I would assemble the best warriors to lead an assault on the offending Lich/Hougain/Necromancer/Evil-doer. All attempts to stop/belittle/slow the unit would be used as bait to lure the zombies from afore mentioned "elite unit" so as to stop the "End of Life as We Know It" scenario from reaching its climax.
FORTYONE (b) All members of "elite unit" will be equally likeable so as to avoid the "less important member of the squad everyone likes dies to emphasize the threat" scenario.
FORTYONE (c) All members of the "elite unit" will be knowledgeable in trademarked One-liners and Catch phrases to further fill my purse once the threat has been eliminated.
When embarking on a quest to destroy said offending Lich/Hougain/Necromancer/Evil-doer, I will not charge the front gate of his/her fortress/crypt/domain with guns-a-blazing. Rather, I will plan my attack carefully, considering all options and weighing the probability of success of each plan against the threat against my team members. If possible, I will find a nuclear silo or some other form of ranged weaponry with which to take out said Evil-doer rather foolishly risk my own life storming the castle.
Despite whatever I may have been taught by my religion and/or Final Fantasy, I will realize that it is highly unlikely that holy water will have any effect on zombies at all, much less function as a cure. Therefore, I will spend my time locating and using said holy water on said zombies only as a last resort. I'm much better off with a good shotgun.
If this apocalypse is caused by science gone awry, I will do everything in my power to protect the original mad scientist form both infection and death, provided it does not sacrifice my own life.
STEP FORTY-FIVE:
I will not send peoplelabeled as "minorities" in racial terms on risky solo missions. they tned to die quickly when left to themselves.
STEP FORTY-SIX:
I will use semi-automatic and automatic weaponry. I will only use said weaponry agiasnt large groups, as a means of crowd control. I will never underestimate the importance of a leatherman's tool or high explosives.
I think it's time for this topic to rise from the dead yet again.
STEP FORTY SEVEN:
I will remember to look up. I will not wait for any bodily fluids to drip on me and alert me to the fact that there is something dead above me - by the time that droplet hits the ground, the corpse to which it once belonged will be lacking a face due to shotgun fire and I will be standing back several paces and reloading. Nor will I stand there gaping at the suspended corpse long enough for another drip of bodily fluids to land on my upturned face. This is unsanitary and not a productive use of my attention, which is better spent dealing with the corpse if it is undead and looking out for any other zombie threats in the area if it isn't.
I will remember that while blunt weapons have that satisfyingly sickening crunch when they connect with a zombie torso, removing the head is always my first priority. I will work to obtain either a slicing or explosive weapon to remove heads as soon as possible.
STEP FORTY-NINE
If a mysterious trenchcoated man calling me "strangah" offers to sell me weapons under blue torchlight, I will not only accept his offer, but sell him the various and sundry trinkets I have collected along the way in exchange for upgrades for my current weapons and new, better ones.
In addition, I will not be creeped out when he says things like "Got sumth'n that might in'trest ya, heh heh heh!"
The phrase "I thinks its dead" has the ability to raise the dead or regenerate zombies. Therfore those who utter "I think its dead" should be considered the evil necromancer, immediately shot, and have their body burned or dissolved in acid.
53: Humming my own theme music, provided it is upbeat, contains no trumpet parts, and is not reminiscent of miltary of funeral marching, will prevent my continues existence.
54: Fire helps, but it uses fuel. Flaming liquor is incredibly useful.
55: All wooden blunt weapons are eitehr used for strentghtening barricades or lighitng thigns on fire. Wooden wepaons will not be used on Zombies, even ones with slahsing edges. They are diffuctl to maintain and prone to breakage.
56. Impaling does not kill zombies, but it can immobilize them. Immobilizing them still removes the threat for a time.
57. Shooting zombies so they fal on top of one another creates a pile of corpses. This crude barricade can be handy. It can also make a bridge, sadly. Keep structural realities in mind.
I will keep in mind that ANY kind of nuclear weaponry has a 99% chance of requiring some sort of code to activate. hence I will not risk my life to secure said weaponry and will instead search for older more user-friendly forms of large scale weapons such as mortars, tho inaccurate, it is a much more feasible means to the same end.
Grand Caveman (not verified) — Tue, 2008-09-09 15:08
Nuclear weaponry might actually promote their growth somehow. I would go to my local gun store, hide in the mountains and maybe make peace with the local animals. Hold off as long as I could before joining the armies of the zombies.
STEP FIFTYNINE wed sept 10/08 Now this is wht i would do one kill my whole family and pets tht r near by and then myself just cause its probly gonna happen any way and my way would not include being eaten or I would pack up all the animale food and human food cause we can live on animale food and I would go underground with any who would come but i would gather as much supplies as i can including radio's and other communication devices i will likly be infected befor i can do this but if i had the chance i would. Oh and any one in the group who if biten or showes simptums is shot on the spot me included also if we find somone who if human but bite shot one the spot as for finding a cure f**k tht just hide looking for a cure just leads to infection even if the movies r exagerating they r rit about some things but over all i would likly do my first option cause i just love my animals and they would probly die in all this and i would sacrifice the ebtire human race loved one except family to save my cat's and dog by the way a minigun runs out of bullets to easily and how would a teenager know how to load one or shoot one any way
Good grief, this topic is STILL active?
I take issue with this so-called "Step Fiftynine," though. That seems like more than a single step. I move it be stricken from the record on the grounds that it is not a proper step, but rather a whole battle plan.
many pepole will say. hid in your house bpred up the windows and doors and wait for rescue. well i say fight for your right to live get to saftey and blow all of there heads off. working with pepole can be helpful but dangerous at the same time. small groups make it easier to hide and not stand out. think of zombies as not human anymore. conserve ammo only kill the ones that are in ur way or pose a threat. rest at night. move during the day. do not try to be a hero and save someone. move one and worry about yourself becuase you can end up zombie chow. dont use again unless you know how do. find blunt weponds becuase eventualy you will run out of ammo. dont getinvolved with anyone during an outbreak becuase it will be the death of you. keep a stright head. dont get suicidel look forward to getting out of the mess. at this point your religous prerebce should not be a factor. keep figting and make sure you make it. and that means do anything to save your slef. i know t sounds selfish but in the end it comes down to the strongest survive.
Should you happen to travel with an art-student making a documentary of the "undead", make sure to beat the crap out of him, should he decide to keep filming while the group is being attacked by zombies.
Oh, don't forget to film the scene, while asking him how he feels about the zombies apocalypse and how being a complete moron will help him/the group survive with his irresponsible action.
Step Sixty Four
Train with and keep a high powered rifle with scope. Shooting the zombies while they are still far away is more efficient than waiting for them to get close.
Step Sixty Five
Establish a controlled, secure location. If zombies don't climb use chain link fencing, if they do choose a large building that has few entrances and no/few lower windows. Downtown banks can be great options for this.
Step Sixty Six
Once a secure location is set up try and acquire items for hydroponics to grow a controlled food source.
Step Sixty Seven
Trip-wired explosives and shotgun shells placed around your secure location can act as both warning signal and early weapon system.
When you have a good fortified safe house, reinforcing the last door leading to your getaway vehicle is ALWAYS a good idea. Even if the zombies come around, it'll give you enough time to GET THE HELL OUT before they burst through the door.
STEP SIXTY EIGHT (Amendment):
In fact every doors in the safe house should be reinforced. This should help slow their progression inside and could even give you a chance to retake the place.
I would load all weapons including knives, baseball bats, a machete, a shotgun, a shovel, all canned and packaged unspoilable foods, cell phones, radios, and other items necessary for survival into my SUV. I will proceed to drive through the zombie infested streets to all of my friends' houses (Assuming they are all alive) gathering supplies, weapons, and survivors and finally to my best friend's house in the country. We will hide out there for a couple days, continuing to gather supplies from neighbors, and then drive to a gun store, and a remote gas station to siphon all the gas we can for travels. Having a lot of fuel, weapons, & supplies, we will proceed back to my friend's house to wait things out. When supplies start running short, we make more trips. We hope for the army to come through on the radio(s), and be saved, but we make no assumptions.
In the event that there are no aquatic zombies, travel to the nearest island, without any infestation and preferably with a strong structure, eg. bunker/skyscraper/ military base, and foritfy the fuck out of it.
Taipei 101 in taiwan is my choice for a destination, has modern technology and equipment for self sustainment
I will remain impassive to human conundrums, I will always make the most logical choice, I will always choose the greater good,
I will strive to remove the zombie threat, and secure the existence of humanity.
I will minimize exposed body parts in order to ensure that even if I am bitten, the zombie teeth will not penetrate skin. Protect the neck, apparently it's tasty. Paintball neck guards are good for this.
A double barrel's reload time is far far too slow to be effective. If forced the shotgun you want is the Benelli M4 Super 90 semi automatic assault shotgun. It is standard military issue, nuff said. Barring that you want the Mossberg 590 or 500. These are the GLOCK of shotguns. They simply do not fail. And they are everywhere.
You most certainly have to aim with a shotgun. A buckshot load in a typical shotgun will create a 1 inch or smaller group at 30 feet. And you need at least that to penetrate an undead skull. Rocksalt barely penetrates card board.
Remember, shotguns are used for hunting game from duck to buck, so you need at least buck shot to take out game as large as people.
You don't want a high caliber hand gun either, unless you find it loaded, you want penetration and availability. 9mm or 38. The S&W model 12 .38 special is the most common handgun in the united states, if not the world, ammo availability should reflect that, more or less, but 9mm or a distant second 45 acp is without fail your best bet for handgun choice.
Pre-fragmented ammo is largely hype, they are deigned for air marshal or apartment situations. Hollow points are more effective but are designed to do tissue damage, which is meaningless with a zombie. You want high velocity penetration to pierce the skull, which is tougher than you think.
Hand guns, not even the mighty .50 will typically knock a person down, it's the CNS that knocks people down, and that's more of a collapse, but zombies don't go into shock, and simple physics will tell you, if a bullet left the gun with enough force to knock a human sized person down then it should have knocked you down firing it. Rifles obviously are an exception because many if fired improperly WILL knock you down.
Your absolute best bet is an AK47 (switch it to single) or an SKS. High penetration, durable as a sledge hammer, and most importantly that 7.62x39mm ammo is everywhere, and as a bonus they can be fitted with a 500 round drum. A close second is the AR15 or M16.
Don't carry a ton of axes, that's just insane. If you must have a melee weapon, which is a waste of precious cargo capacity, get a crow bar. Hook tip up, vertical swing, let gravity help, you'll collapse the center portion of the skull. Plus as they say in forensic circles with BFT your first shot is free, this means typically no blood spatter until after the first blow, which when attacking a walking sack of contaminated fluid, should be a serious consideration.
You may be better off going with decapitation, or spinal incapacitation, in which case a machete or a baseball bat might be your best bet. Breaking the neck sufficient to sever the spinal cord is as good as a headshot, unless these are ROTLD style zombie in which case headshots aren't going to help you either.
But no matter what, a melee weapon should be discarded the instant you acquire adequate firearms, excepting a combat knife or a baby sledge for last ditch efforts. (I like GLOCK's combat knife, but a Ka-Bar is just as good.)
Napalm?!? For one, that's seriously valuable vehicle, water purification, and cooking fuel, for two, as if a murderous tough sack of contaminated blood wasn't dangerous enough, now you want to set it on fire?
Pipe bombs?? Now you want to blow it up thus turning it into a claymore mine loaded with poisoned bone shrapnel?!?
A snow plow is good, even ATVs can be fitted with them. It all depends on your terrain and situation. In many places a mountain bike or a simple rope is going to trump all. You're not going to outrun the zombies, they are already going to be where ever you'd go, and you aren't going to kill them all, they will out number you a thousand to one.
Just imagine the vector, imagine if the flu made you compulsively infect others rather than sit around drinking cough syrup, how long till the whole country has a cold?
Your brain and your library is your best weapon. Read up on medieval combat and survivalism.
Read world war z and the zombie survival guide both by max brooks.
lol wow, um, can I get your name and address? Two reasons - one, so that when this apocalypse does occur, I'll just go hang out with you, and two, just in case the FBI needs to talk to you lol
I find it a little concerning that you implied humans are "game" there...lol
Those are all excellent ideas for melée weapons, but the best melée weapon for a zombie invasion is...
The crowbar!
Although the ones you listed are great, a crowbar is light, portable, sharp, and let's see you pry open a rubble-covered door or break some floorboards with a samuri sword!
STEP SEVENTY-ONE: DO-NOT have sexual intercourse with an infected female.. nothing good comes from this.
Or if you do.. double wrap just to be sure.
If somehow the zombie population is controlled and quarantined, be the first to open a company that specializes in selling sexual zombie slaves that will not only pleasure your every sexual need, but also cook you food and comb your long sexy hair, and spongebath you..
STEP SEVENTY-TWO: If you hear a certain sound and you're not quite sure what it could be.. DO-NOT investigate unless you're as pro as Leon Kennedy Scott.. Which you're not.
NEVER USE your penis because you think it's large enough to be considered a weapon.
Okay first off, In the event of a zombie apocalypse most everyone is going to die. so... forget about everyone else. rob stores for food ammo weapons alcohol and cigarettes, pills whatever. some of the weapons that would be handy are pump shot guns, automatic hand guns, automatic rifles, machete/ ninja sword strapped to your side in the event your gun runs out of ammo, and if possible a flame thrower so you can torch some shit in your free time. Then go to a highly secure location in bfe. Preferably at least a two story building. tear apart or destroy the stairs elevators or any other way of getting up stairs in the event that your hide out is discovered by the oncoming hordes. create a way of getting up stairs hard enough to keep them out. perhaps a rope ladder and such things. if you live by a place where you can get highly explosive materials/bombs strategically set up the bombs activated by trip wires in case of zombies/intruding survivors. another necessity is a partner in crime to keep each other sane.
STEP SEVENTY THREE: in the event of a zombie apocalypse, when with your significant other remember, those who slay together stay together. if by chance your partner becomes infected, do the merciful thing of killing them yourself. do NOT convince yourself theres a cure out there somewhere, do NOT try to make them remember you if they are a zombie, and do NOT under any circumstances let your guard down just because you love them. chances are if theyre a zombie the only thing they love about you is the way you taste.
STEP SEVENTY FOUR: even if safe, run every day. chances are if you keep up on your cardio you can keep away from the infected.
STEP SEVENTY FIVE: do not be stupid enough to snoop around if you here strange noises. if its just you, or if you have survivors with you, i can guarantee the noise didnt come from one of you. IF YOU DONT KNOW WHATS THERE, BEWARE.
STEP SEVENTY SIX: if youre looking for the best possible escape option, you might find yourself in luck if you live near some body of water. zombies might be able to walk underwater seeings as how they have no use for breathing, but guessing that they cant swim, being in a boat atop water that goes down at least 50 feet should buy you some safety and time to formulate a plan of action.
STEP SEVENTY SEVEN: if youre sitting at home one day and a zombie apocalypse comes up, dont waste your time going to see if your friends are still alive. if theyre not already flesh eating monsters, then theyre probably doing what every other survivor is doing and getting the fuck out of there. remember, its called common sense.
STEP SEVENTY EIGHT: if traveling by form of car, discard the law about not carrying a container of gasoline in your car. chances are the police care more about ripping open your throat then they do ticketing you. the last thing you need is to run out of gas in zombie country.
STEP SEVENTY NINE: if you would rather avoid all contact with infected persons, then my best suggestion would be to grab a shit ton of non perishable food (2 month supply at least), any people that may be with you, and find a nice place you can fortify to keep the zombies out of. at least this way you stand a chance that they may die of starvation before you do.
STEP EIGHTY: double tap. if you walk away unsure if the zombie is still alive, chances will be that as soon as you turn your back they will come after you while you are unaware. remember, if youre stupid enough to not make sure its dead, then you deserve to join the party of the infected.
STEP EIGHTY ONE: if somebody says dont open the door, do NOT under any circumstances open the door.
STEP EIGHTY TWO: as humans we have survival instincts, and any normal survival instinct will tell you that anything and everything can be used as a weapon. improvise.
I'd do like any good horror movie and find myself a shotgun and a buxom chick to hold up in a badly defensible location, like a London pub or a cabin in the deep woods. Oh actually I'd need lots of supporting chracters to get eaten by the shambling hordes once our position is discovered. Then as I run out of ammo and myself and the buxom girl are nearly dead we are rescued by the Army or Bernard Hughes.
Easy. I gather up as many women as I could (and maybe some guys just to help with the gene pool), load up on some serious firepower, grab a really nice boat (with GPS and maps) and sail out to a nice island.
The Little Cayman Island in the Atlantic or one of the smaller Hawaiian Islands would be about perfect.
Then I'd do my best to repopulate the planet, or at least my small corner of it ;-)
It'd be cool to be a dictator...
Good plan, I must say.
-----
Has anyone read "100 things I would do if I ever became an evil overlord" ??
If so, in a joint effort, we must now create...
"100 STEPS TO SURVIVING A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE"
______________
The Good Cap'n
STEP ONE:
If any of the survivors in my party are bitten by a zombie, I will IMMEDIATELY know that they are goners, instead of hoping they will somehow "get better". Upon visual confirmation of the zombie infected wound, I will then make ONE attempt to save them. I will amputate said wound "Dead Alive / Brain Dead" style... If this method fails, a 12-gauge in the nostrils will quickly resolve the situation.
Yeah, I have. Hilarious. For a "serious" attempt at the same thing, take a look at The 48 Laws of Power.
STEP TWO: Shooting off a zombie's arm, while amusing, is ultimately ineffective. I will strive to always aim for the head. I will understand that I am not a marksman, however, so will not waste bullets from three blocks away because it'll make me "feel" better.
STEP THREE:
If any survivor in my party should object to STEP ONE, I will immediately realize that the objectors ALWAY get killed, and a gruesome disemboweling death befits the defiant wretch. I will then humbly retract my plan and advise the objector to stay with the infected person until they get "better"
STEP FOUR:
I will always understand that pretending I am a zombie...NEVER WORKS.
("Shaun of the Dead" & "The Mummy" DON'T COUNT!)
STEP FIVE: Affectionately capturing a zombie and attempting to humanitize them, or learn their problem, or just to release some angst on 'em every so often, is always going to backfire. Unless we call him "Bub."
STEP SIX: I will not give zombies named "Bub" a gun.
STEP SEVEN:
I will NEVER try to give medical attention to a bloody, lip-less child standing in my bedroom doorway. Furthermore, any person or persons in my party of survivors attemting to help said child, shall be henchforth held responsible for the wellfare of said child, and follow the procedures listed in STEP THREE.
STEP EIGHT:
I will NEVER...EVER...lean against a window.
STEP NINE:
I will remain fully aware of the risks involved when "handling" zombies. I shall never...at any time, try to force a small crowd of zombies out of a room or doorway, using my hands. A chair, small table or other long object will suffice.
I will also be aware that zombies DO NOT understand any spoken language. Therefore, ordering the undead to "GET OUT!" or "GO AWAY!" will do nothing but draw more undead to your position.
STEP TEN:
When I run out of ammunition for a particular firearm, I will NEVER discard the weapon and run. I will KEEP the weapon...and run.
There is usally more ammo in the next room...and herbs too.
STEP ELEVEN:
When I encounter a eerie silhouette standing in a dark room, if they do not respond to my hails, I will IMMEDIATELY understand they are a zombie. I will not move in closer and make repeated attempts to communicate...as if they just didn't hear me the first time.
The thing with zombies is you need to be able to stop their kinetic energy.
East-Texas Zombie survival kit:
Remember, fighting zombies is not about accuracy or damage: it's about kinetic energy. Knock the zombies down, halt their progress, and keep moving. Don't stop to "see if they're dead" - they are. And they'll keep coming. Even a head-shot isn't a sure thing. Burn 'em if you can, but above all don't slow down.
STEP TWELVE:
Although I realize that the "taboo" of sexing my undead girlfriend is pretty hot, after the first couple of times, it just becomes gross. I will strive to kill her before someone else does, as that is the romantic thing to do.
STEP THIRTEEN: Yes, the movie lied.
STEP TWELVE (Amendment):
In addition to the moral and necrophalic issues involved when doing "the VERY nasty" w/ said girlfriend; there is also the matter of hygiene and possibility of infection. Furthermore, studies in zombie evolution suggest a high probability that a zombie-whore could develop TEETH in every orifice...ouchie.
STEP FOURTEEN:
I will ALWAYS be aware of how many bullets are in my gun at ALL times. I will not just forget for some reason, when I'm cornered.
I will also practice and be well-trained in the art of "reloading while running"...
STEP FIFTEEN:
I will refrain from "girlie-screaming" whenever zombies are present. This only seems to entice them. All party members shall abide by this rule as well. Those who do NOT follow this rule shall be dealt with in the following manner:
1: A verbal warning. "SHUT THE F*%@ UP!!" will do fine:
2: A second verbal warning, following a stern bitch-slap:
3: Three strikes:you're out. Party member shall be shot in the leg and left behind to lure the zombies away.
STEP SIXTEEN:
Yes, a chainsaw is very cool and rips big chunks of zombie-meat. However, it is very unwieldy and should NEVER be used if there are multiple enemies in close proximity (or allies, for that matter).
STEP SEVENTEEN:
I will be fully aware that churches and other religious items hold no REAL power over the undead. It works on vampires, NOT zombies. Well...except for undead in the FinalFantasy series...but that doesn't count.
STEP EIGHTEEN
what DOES hold power over undead is a Vulcan cannon (aka Minigun).
get one as soon as possible.
STEP EIGHTEEN (Amendment)
Holding the Vulcan or Avenger Cannon with the highest regards in combat efficiency; the chances of actually FINDING said weapon(s) during a Zombie Apocalypse are extremely rare...
(The movies tend to exaggerate high-powered-weapon availability)
STEP NINETEEN:
Do not depend on anyone to save you, rescue you, or come to check on you. If three days after the apocolypse, you see a boat, truck, or car approaching...arm heavily and prepare for an asault. The odds that the "authorities" are coming to get you (much less knowing where you are) are less likely than the living food supply is getting thinner.
STEP TWENTY:
Find a doctor, pharmacist, nurse or surgeon - even if he is trying to cure the zombies - and kidnap him and all the medical supplies you can muster. Chances are that even basic medical attention will prevent a simple injuy from turning into a zombie infestation. Besides soap and water, how many of people could identify intestinitis or treat a urinary infection without consulting someone who knows medicine?
STEP TWENTY ONE:
Communications will be the first thing that society will restore. This will almost certainly be in the form of CB radios or short-wave transmitters. Find one and guard it with your life as it will be your first link to the other conclaves of survivors.
Caveat to STEP TWENTY ONE:
Just becasue you can talk to them does not make them friends, allies, rescuers or even useful. All dealings with strangers should be secure and cautious.
STEP TWENTY ONE (2nd Amendment)
Be CERTAIN the antennae to said CB radio is hidden AND reinforced so that it cannot somehow be disconnected by clawing fingernails...
STEP TWENTY TWO:
All vehicles in my town shall undergo regular maintenance. So to prevent such an incident where a nearby getaway vehicle simply "won't start" for some reason...
STEP TWENTY THREE:
aquire copious amounts of bananas and or plantains..... not for the reasons you would think. Because they can be both a source of fuel (can be brewed into variouse alchohols, this brewing process is another use of the stolen medical team) and as and unspoilable (when in sealed peel) source of variouse sugars and fibers.
If it isn't overkill..... it's underkill!
STEP TWENTY-FOUR:
If I attempt to hide in an area at all, it will have room for storage and multiple exits. I will not be trapped in a classroom at a high school with a horde of zombies swarming at the only entrance to the room.
So what i'd do is i'd round up a buncha apes and begin jerkin 'em off with a bottle of vaseline intensive car, then when i ran out, it'd shove it up the ass of the biggest one and hope that because these apes have all been jerked off, all they'd have left to do would be to throw shit, and this'd save the day because to have an army of shit throwing apes would have to be effective against the zombie onslaught.
(sigh) Well, since you forgot to NUMBER that one, it will have to be discarded...those are the rules that I just made up...
______________
The Good Cap'n
STEP TWENTY FIVE:
When I'm walking through a military complex and I see metal cages that have somehow been ripped open from the inside, with bits of furry flesh hanging from the cage; I will NOT just wonder what happened and move on...
STEP TWENTY SIX:
If, for whatever reason, my gun runs out of bullets and I know that there won't be any in the next room, I will keep it with me ANYWAY since it will still make a somewhat effective bludgeoning weapon - not the best anti-zombie strategy, but better than nothing.
STEP TWENTY SIX: (Amendment)
To avoid the need for a makeshift blugeoning weapon, I will have a pre-selected melee weapon of choice: a fireman's axe, or preferably a long samurai sword (ordered online in preparation long before said apocalypse). I will also be trained in basic combat maneuvers with melee weapon of choice; to avoid unwanted injury to myself or anyone in my surviving party...
STEP TWENTY SEVEN:
When walking outdoors, if the ground suddenly begins to tremble, I will immediately climb a tree, or a house, or some other sturdy concrete structure. I will NOT just stand around and wait for the giant mutant-zombie-earthworm to burst forth from beneath the ground and attack me...
STEP TWENTY EIGHT:
Given that in the days prior to the zombie apocolypse there were no such things as zombies; I shall not immediately reject the idea of the existence of "giant mutant-zombie-earthworms" just because there have never been any before.
STEP TWENTY NINE:
If I ever encounter a zombified "friend" I will kill them. If I ever encounter a zombified "person I don't like" I will kill them...and laugh.
STEP THIRTY:
When zombies are slowly but imminently closing on my position; I will not spend 30 minutes barricading doors and/or fortifying my position. I will instead spend that 30 minutes running away...to a place that requires NO barricading or fortification.
STEP THIRTY ONE:
If "Nuclear Air Strike" ever crops up on my list of options, I will perform it immediately where the zombies are thickest, no matter what survivors may still be in the area - odds are, they would just get killed while I was rescuing them anyway.
STEP THIRTY ONE: (amendment)
Of course, I won't assume that this will end the zombie threat - this is merely my cue to don a radioactive suit and resume whatever I was doing.
STEP THIRTY TWO:
Assume that the Zombie menace is here to stay. Don't wait for scientists (who probably created the menace to start with) will find a cure. Don't think that the zombies will finally rot and go away. Like all social diseases, Zombism will be with us for a long time even after the danger point has passed.
Sidebar to THIRTY TWO:
Don't spend a lot of time worrying about how the Zombie Apocolypse started. Like herpes or AIDS you know how it is transmitted. Wondering how it began is a fruitless exercise and distracts you from survival.
STEP THIRTY THREE:
If you must rescue a female companion from certain death more than once; you should assume that you are destined to bone her. Once you do... well... she's just another liability...
And DAMN... all her screaming sure gets annoying...
STEP THIRTY FOUR:
Once you have survived the Apocolypse, managed to figure out how to defend agasint becoming a zombie yourself, made arrangements for regular supplies and maintenance, estabished ways to monitor the recovery of essential services, and rescued/captured a prospective mate...
Keep your damn mouth shut and enjoy it. Nothing spoils a party faster than univited guests.
well if i woke up one day in my bedroom to see that nearly everyone in my neighborhood has become a zombie, i would go get a kitchen knife, aluminum baseball bat, cellphone, as much canned and dried food as i can find, a few books, and other random shit. i would pile it all into my car, and then haul ass to my friends' houses to gather any survivors. i would bring em all to a nearby mall, or possibly to a walmart that has two floors. i would have everyone go to upper ground, and barricade the stairs so that zombies would have even more trouble climbing upstairs
This is as good a place as any to mention that for the frugal zombie infestation survivalist, Wal-Mart sells machetes for $7.99. It's never too early to start training.
If, however, you were caught flatfooted by the undead menace and are now on a New Orleans style shopping trip to stock up in a hurry, be sure to head over to sporting goods and peruse their wide variety of shotguns. Bring an extra one home for the kids!
...and...that's you plan, huh? ...brilliant.
STEP THIRTY-FIVE:
I will ALWAYS know where the safety-catch is located on ALL the weapons I carry
STEP THIRTY-SIX:
I will not follow along with plans laid out by the kamakaze hot-head, let the estranged tough mother go off on her own, allow the ex-cop to cover my six or allow myself to fall into a typically predictable situation such as being cornered with no hope of escape.
STEP TWENTY FIVE: (Amendment)
The same applies to anything that appears recently broken or otherwise tampered with in any military or scientific setting, and any cage that has been ripped open from the inside in ANY setting.
STEP THIRTY SEVEN:
If, despite having carefully followed these steps, I find myself in a position where my death to hordes of zombies is clearly inevitable, I will not stand there and scream, I will light the fuses/pull the pins on any explosives I may be carrying and dive into the thickest group of zombies I can find. If there are other survivors, perhaps I will distract the zombies long enough for them to escape. If not... well, hey. Might as well go out with a bang, right?
STEP THIRTY EIGHT:
Should an unfortunate situation arise in which all electricity and / or communications in my area [ or the world in its entirety ] are down, I will not search for a way to restore them. It would be a waste of time, as the survival of myself, kidnapped / found / captured female companion, and any others who are as fortunate as I to have lived through the Zombie Apocalypse is more important. Tech geeks who somehow managed to live and are whining about their lack of a WiFi connection shall be tied down and left as zombie fodder.
Sidebar to Step Thirty Eight:
Said whining tech geeks shall be allowed to live if they find a way to restore the electricity or communications.
After all this time, I can't believe someone resurrected this thread.
"Resurrected"... get it? Get it? Heh... hehehehehehehe...
"Resurrected!" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
/me thinks the zombies already have his brains
---------------------------------
STEP THIRTY NINE:
If electricity is, in fact, available (most probably due to the tech geeks), and I am in hiding somewhere, I WILL NOT waste my time moping about in fear. Instead, I will venture to the nearest video rental store and take as many Zombie Apocalypse movies I can find and do some research. I will study typical zombie attack patterns, failed and successful defense strategies peformed by the living, and any other useful information, all while hugging my shotgun.
Sidebar to STEP THIRTY NINE:
I WILL NOT perform such actions if the risk to myself or others is too great, and I will not let the videos distract me from actual impending zombie invasion, no matter how gripping the story is.
"And after it rains, there's a rainbow
And all of the colors are black
It's not that the colors aren't there,
It's just imagination they lack"
-from Simon & Garfunkel's "My Little Town"
STEP FORTY:
If my beautiful female companion that I rescued from the zombies and is fated to become a love interest is bitten or injured by a zombie, and likely to become one, (In exception to steps ONE and THREE) I WILL NOT abandon her to her fate, but rather try to save her for two important reasons:
1. The desperate hope provided by this experience will increase my personal drive to survive, and
2. The love interest is ALWAYS cured, and by keeping her around I am more likely to find a cure for zombism.
Sidebar to STEP FORTY:
If it comes to a choice between my fate and her's, I will not sacrifice myself for a small chance of her survival.
"And after it rains, there's a rainbow
And all of the colors are black
It's not that the colors aren't there,
It's just imagination they lack"
-from Simon & Garfunkel's "My Little Town"
Given your vast knowledge on zombism (aquired in step thirty-nine) Did you know that zombism isn't contracted, it has to be cast. That being the case will it ever get to the point where it will be truly as dramatic as you say?
Zombism has many different forms, including variation of cause. The most common way to recieve such a disease to to be bitten by another zombie (See Step One, among others), although you can be turned into one through various magics.
"And after it rains, there's a rainbow
And all of the colors are black
It's not that the colors aren't there,
It's just imagination they lack"
-from Simon & Garfunkel's "My Little Town"
STEP FORTY ONE:
Upon closer examination of zombie victims, I will determine if the Zombism is communicable or of a curse-driven variety. Should the cause be the rare "Curse" zombie. After securing a "Zombie Free Zone", I would assemble the best warriors to lead an assault on the offending Lich/Hougain/Necromancer/Evil-doer. All attempts to stop/belittle/slow the unit would be used as bait to lure the zombies from afore mentioned "elite unit" so as to stop the "End of Life as We Know It" scenario from reaching its climax.
FORTYONE (b) All members of "elite unit" will be equally likeable so as to avoid the "less important member of the squad everyone likes dies to emphasize the threat" scenario.
FORTYONE (c) All members of the "elite unit" will be knowledgeable in trademarked One-liners and Catch phrases to further fill my purse once the threat has been eliminated.
STEP FORTY TWO
When embarking on a quest to destroy said offending Lich/Hougain/Necromancer/Evil-doer, I will not charge the front gate of his/her fortress/crypt/domain with guns-a-blazing. Rather, I will plan my attack carefully, considering all options and weighing the probability of success of each plan against the threat against my team members. If possible, I will find a nuclear silo or some other form of ranged weaponry with which to take out said Evil-doer rather foolishly risk my own life storming the castle.
STEP FORTY THREE:
Despite whatever I may have been taught by my religion and/or Final Fantasy, I will realize that it is highly unlikely that holy water will have any effect on zombies at all, much less function as a cure. Therefore, I will spend my time locating and using said holy water on said zombies only as a last resort. I'm much better off with a good shotgun.
STEP FORTY THREE (Amendment):
The same applies to root beer, voodoo or otherwise.
heh... root beer :)
STEP FORTY-FOUR:
If this apocalypse is caused by science gone awry, I will do everything in my power to protect the original mad scientist form both infection and death, provided it does not sacrifice my own life.
STEP FORTY-FIVE:
I will not send peoplelabeled as "minorities" in racial terms on risky solo missions. they tned to die quickly when left to themselves.
STEP FORTY-SIX:
I will use semi-automatic and automatic weaponry. I will only use said weaponry agiasnt large groups, as a means of crowd control. I will never underestimate the importance of a leatherman's tool or high explosives.
Survivalistically yours,
Theo
I think it's time for this topic to rise from the dead yet again.
STEP FORTY SEVEN:
I will remember to look up. I will not wait for any bodily fluids to drip on me and alert me to the fact that there is something dead above me - by the time that droplet hits the ground, the corpse to which it once belonged will be lacking a face due to shotgun fire and I will be standing back several paces and reloading. Nor will I stand there gaping at the suspended corpse long enough for another drip of bodily fluids to land on my upturned face. This is unsanitary and not a productive use of my attention, which is better spent dealing with the corpse if it is undead and looking out for any other zombie threats in the area if it isn't.
STEP FORTY-EIGHT
I will remember that while blunt weapons have that satisfyingly sickening crunch when they connect with a zombie torso, removing the head is always my first priority. I will work to obtain either a slicing or explosive weapon to remove heads as soon as possible.
STEP FORTY-NINE
If a mysterious trenchcoated man calling me "strangah" offers to sell me weapons under blue torchlight, I will not only accept his offer, but sell him the various and sundry trinkets I have collected along the way in exchange for upgrades for my current weapons and new, better ones.
In addition, I will not be creeped out when he says things like "Got sumth'n that might in'trest ya, heh heh heh!"
STEP FIFTY
The phrase "I thinks its dead" has the ability to raise the dead or regenerate zombies. Therfore those who utter "I think its dead" should be considered the evil necromancer, immediately shot, and have their body burned or dissolved in acid.
STEP FIFTY ONE:
NEVER under any circumstances say "I think we lost 'em" cus you never wil...
STEP FIFTY TWO:
Bleach does NOT kill everything...
53: Humming my own theme music, provided it is upbeat, contains no trumpet parts, and is not reminiscent of miltary of funeral marching, will prevent my continues existence.
54: Fire helps, but it uses fuel. Flaming liquor is incredibly useful.
55: All wooden blunt weapons are eitehr used for strentghtening barricades or lighitng thigns on fire. Wooden wepaons will not be used on Zombies, even ones with slahsing edges. They are diffuctl to maintain and prone to breakage.
56. Impaling does not kill zombies, but it can immobilize them. Immobilizing them still removes the threat for a time.
57. Shooting zombies so they fal on top of one another creates a pile of corpses. This crude barricade can be handy. It can also make a bridge, sadly. Keep structural realities in mind.
Healthily Yours,
Theo
STEP FIFTY-EIGHT:
I will keep in mind that ANY kind of nuclear weaponry has a 99% chance of requiring some sort of code to activate. hence I will not risk my life to secure said weaponry and will instead search for older more user-friendly forms of large scale weapons such as mortars, tho inaccurate, it is a much more feasible means to the same end.
Nuclear weaponry might actually promote their growth somehow. I would go to my local gun store, hide in the mountains and maybe make peace with the local animals. Hold off as long as I could before joining the armies of the zombies.
STEP FIFTYNINE wed sept 10/08 Now this is wht i would do one kill my whole family and pets tht r near by and then myself just cause its probly gonna happen any way and my way would not include being eaten or I would pack up all the animale food and human food cause we can live on animale food and I would go underground with any who would come but i would gather as much supplies as i can including radio's and other communication devices i will likly be infected befor i can do this but if i had the chance i would. Oh and any one in the group who if biten or showes simptums is shot on the spot me included also if we find somone who if human but bite shot one the spot as for finding a cure f**k tht just hide looking for a cure just leads to infection even if the movies r exagerating they r rit about some things but over all i would likly do my first option cause i just love my animals and they would probly die in all this and i would sacrifice the ebtire human race loved one except family to save my cat's and dog by the way a minigun runs out of bullets to easily and how would a teenager know how to load one or shoot one any way
Good grief, this topic is STILL active?
I take issue with this so-called "Step Fiftynine," though. That seems like more than a single step. I move it be stricken from the record on the grounds that it is not a proper step, but rather a whole battle plan.
Only if your name is Rhodes, otherwise its fine lol
Step 60: head to that store in the mall that sells the T Virus Antidote energy drinks
STEP SIXTY-ONE:
In an event of running zombies shoot for the legs, or buy yourself some nice running shoes..
many pepole will say. hid in your house bpred up the windows and doors and wait for rescue. well i say fight for your right to live get to saftey and blow all of there heads off. working with pepole can be helpful but dangerous at the same time. small groups make it easier to hide and not stand out. think of zombies as not human anymore. conserve ammo only kill the ones that are in ur way or pose a threat. rest at night. move during the day. do not try to be a hero and save someone. move one and worry about yourself becuase you can end up zombie chow. dont use again unless you know how do. find blunt weponds becuase eventualy you will run out of ammo. dont getinvolved with anyone during an outbreak becuase it will be the death of you. keep a stright head. dont get suicidel look forward to getting out of the mess. at this point your religous prerebce should not be a factor. keep figting and make sure you make it. and that means do anything to save your slef. i know t sounds selfish but in the end it comes down to the strongest survive.
guns guns guns
STEP SIXTY TWO:
Should you happen to travel with an art-student making a documentary of the "undead", make sure to beat the crap out of him, should he decide to keep filming while the group is being attacked by zombies.
Oh, don't forget to film the scene, while asking him how he feels about the zombies apocalypse and how being a complete moron will help him/the group survive with his irresponsible action.
STEP SIXTY THREE
Cream pies are not an effective weapon against the undead.
Step Sixty Four
Train with and keep a high powered rifle with scope. Shooting the zombies while they are still far away is more efficient than waiting for them to get close.
Step Sixty Five
Establish a controlled, secure location. If zombies don't climb use chain link fencing, if they do choose a large building that has few entrances and no/few lower windows. Downtown banks can be great options for this.
Step Sixty Six
Once a secure location is set up try and acquire items for hydroponics to grow a controlled food source.
Step Sixty Seven
Trip-wired explosives and shotgun shells placed around your secure location can act as both warning signal and early weapon system.
STEP SIXTY EIGHT:
When you have a good fortified safe house, reinforcing the last door leading to your getaway vehicle is ALWAYS a good idea. Even if the zombies come around, it'll give you enough time to GET THE HELL OUT before they burst through the door.
STEP SIXTY EIGHT (Amendment):
In fact every doors in the safe house should be reinforced. This should help slow their progression inside and could even give you a chance to retake the place.
I would load all weapons including knives, baseball bats, a machete, a shotgun, a shovel, all canned and packaged unspoilable foods, cell phones, radios, and other items necessary for survival into my SUV. I will proceed to drive through the zombie infested streets to all of my friends' houses (Assuming they are all alive) gathering supplies, weapons, and survivors and finally to my best friend's house in the country. We will hide out there for a couple days, continuing to gather supplies from neighbors, and then drive to a gun store, and a remote gas station to siphon all the gas we can for travels. Having a lot of fuel, weapons, & supplies, we will proceed back to my friend's house to wait things out. When supplies start running short, we make more trips. We hope for the army to come through on the radio(s), and be saved, but we make no assumptions.
STEP SIXTY NINE
In the event that there are no aquatic zombies, travel to the nearest island, without any infestation and preferably with a strong structure, eg. bunker/skyscraper/ military base, and foritfy the fuck out of it.
Taipei 101 in taiwan is my choice for a destination, has modern technology and equipment for self sustainment
STEP SEVENTY
I will remain impassive to human conundrums, I will always make the most logical choice, I will always choose the greater good,
I will strive to remove the zombie threat, and secure the existence of humanity.
I will minimize exposed body parts in order to ensure that even if I am bitten, the zombie teeth will not penetrate skin. Protect the neck, apparently it's tasty. Paintball neck guards are good for this.
Your advice would cost lives.
1. You don't want a shotgun as your first choice.
A double barrel's reload time is far far too slow to be effective. If forced the shotgun you want is the Benelli M4 Super 90 semi automatic assault shotgun. It is standard military issue, nuff said. Barring that you want the Mossberg 590 or 500. These are the GLOCK of shotguns. They simply do not fail. And they are everywhere.
You most certainly have to aim with a shotgun. A buckshot load in a typical shotgun will create a 1 inch or smaller group at 30 feet. And you need at least that to penetrate an undead skull. Rocksalt barely penetrates card board.
http://www.theboxotruth.com/docs/bot33.htm
And bird shot wont even pop a monitor at 30 feet.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o84q-Gqph0M (I'm the one with the shotgun)
Remember, shotguns are used for hunting game from duck to buck, so you need at least buck shot to take out game as large as people.
You don't want a high caliber hand gun either, unless you find it loaded, you want penetration and availability. 9mm or 38. The S&W model 12 .38 special is the most common handgun in the united states, if not the world, ammo availability should reflect that, more or less, but 9mm or a distant second 45 acp is without fail your best bet for handgun choice.
Pre-fragmented ammo is largely hype, they are deigned for air marshal or apartment situations. Hollow points are more effective but are designed to do tissue damage, which is meaningless with a zombie. You want high velocity penetration to pierce the skull, which is tougher than you think.
Hand guns, not even the mighty .50 will typically knock a person down, it's the CNS that knocks people down, and that's more of a collapse, but zombies don't go into shock, and simple physics will tell you, if a bullet left the gun with enough force to knock a human sized person down then it should have knocked you down firing it. Rifles obviously are an exception because many if fired improperly WILL knock you down.
Your absolute best bet is an AK47 (switch it to single) or an SKS. High penetration, durable as a sledge hammer, and most importantly that 7.62x39mm ammo is everywhere, and as a bonus they can be fitted with a 500 round drum. A close second is the AR15 or M16.
Don't carry a ton of axes, that's just insane. If you must have a melee weapon, which is a waste of precious cargo capacity, get a crow bar. Hook tip up, vertical swing, let gravity help, you'll collapse the center portion of the skull. Plus as they say in forensic circles with BFT your first shot is free, this means typically no blood spatter until after the first blow, which when attacking a walking sack of contaminated fluid, should be a serious consideration.
You may be better off going with decapitation, or spinal incapacitation, in which case a machete or a baseball bat might be your best bet. Breaking the neck sufficient to sever the spinal cord is as good as a headshot, unless these are ROTLD style zombie in which case headshots aren't going to help you either.
But no matter what, a melee weapon should be discarded the instant you acquire adequate firearms, excepting a combat knife or a baby sledge for last ditch efforts. (I like GLOCK's combat knife, but a Ka-Bar is just as good.)
Napalm?!? For one, that's seriously valuable vehicle, water purification, and cooking fuel, for two, as if a murderous tough sack of contaminated blood wasn't dangerous enough, now you want to set it on fire?
Pipe bombs?? Now you want to blow it up thus turning it into a claymore mine loaded with poisoned bone shrapnel?!?
A snow plow is good, even ATVs can be fitted with them. It all depends on your terrain and situation. In many places a mountain bike or a simple rope is going to trump all. You're not going to outrun the zombies, they are already going to be where ever you'd go, and you aren't going to kill them all, they will out number you a thousand to one.
Just imagine the vector, imagine if the flu made you compulsively infect others rather than sit around drinking cough syrup, how long till the whole country has a cold?
Your brain and your library is your best weapon. Read up on medieval combat and survivalism.
Read world war z and the zombie survival guide both by max brooks.
lol wow, um, can I get your name and address? Two reasons - one, so that when this apocalypse does occur, I'll just go hang out with you, and two, just in case the FBI needs to talk to you lol
I find it a little concerning that you implied humans are "game" there...lol
Those are all excellent ideas for melée weapons, but the best melée weapon for a zombie invasion is...
The crowbar!
Although the ones you listed are great, a crowbar is light, portable, sharp, and let's see you pry open a rubble-covered door or break some floorboards with a samuri sword!
STEP SEVENTY-ONE: DO-NOT have sexual intercourse with an infected female.. nothing good comes from this.
Or if you do.. double wrap just to be sure.
If somehow the zombie population is controlled and quarantined, be the first to open a company that specializes in selling sexual zombie slaves that will not only pleasure your every sexual need, but also cook you food and comb your long sexy hair, and spongebath you..
STEP SEVENTY-TWO: If you hear a certain sound and you're not quite sure what it could be.. DO-NOT investigate unless you're as pro as Leon Kennedy Scott.. Which you're not.
NEVER USE your penis because you think it's large enough to be considered a weapon.
Okay first off, In the event of a zombie apocalypse most everyone is going to die. so... forget about everyone else. rob stores for food ammo weapons alcohol and cigarettes, pills whatever. some of the weapons that would be handy are pump shot guns, automatic hand guns, automatic rifles, machete/ ninja sword strapped to your side in the event your gun runs out of ammo, and if possible a flame thrower so you can torch some shit in your free time. Then go to a highly secure location in bfe. Preferably at least a two story building. tear apart or destroy the stairs elevators or any other way of getting up stairs in the event that your hide out is discovered by the oncoming hordes. create a way of getting up stairs hard enough to keep them out. perhaps a rope ladder and such things. if you live by a place where you can get highly explosive materials/bombs strategically set up the bombs activated by trip wires in case of zombies/intruding survivors. another necessity is a partner in crime to keep each other sane.
STEP SEVENTY THREE: in the event of a zombie apocalypse, when with your significant other remember, those who slay together stay together. if by chance your partner becomes infected, do the merciful thing of killing them yourself. do NOT convince yourself theres a cure out there somewhere, do NOT try to make them remember you if they are a zombie, and do NOT under any circumstances let your guard down just because you love them. chances are if theyre a zombie the only thing they love about you is the way you taste.
STEP SEVENTY FOUR: even if safe, run every day. chances are if you keep up on your cardio you can keep away from the infected.
STEP SEVENTY FIVE: do not be stupid enough to snoop around if you here strange noises. if its just you, or if you have survivors with you, i can guarantee the noise didnt come from one of you. IF YOU DONT KNOW WHATS THERE, BEWARE.
STEP SEVENTY SIX: if youre looking for the best possible escape option, you might find yourself in luck if you live near some body of water. zombies might be able to walk underwater seeings as how they have no use for breathing, but guessing that they cant swim, being in a boat atop water that goes down at least 50 feet should buy you some safety and time to formulate a plan of action.
STEP SEVENTY SEVEN: if youre sitting at home one day and a zombie apocalypse comes up, dont waste your time going to see if your friends are still alive. if theyre not already flesh eating monsters, then theyre probably doing what every other survivor is doing and getting the fuck out of there. remember, its called common sense.
STEP SEVENTY EIGHT: if traveling by form of car, discard the law about not carrying a container of gasoline in your car. chances are the police care more about ripping open your throat then they do ticketing you. the last thing you need is to run out of gas in zombie country.
STEP SEVENTY NINE: if you would rather avoid all contact with infected persons, then my best suggestion would be to grab a shit ton of non perishable food (2 month supply at least), any people that may be with you, and find a nice place you can fortify to keep the zombies out of. at least this way you stand a chance that they may die of starvation before you do.
STEP EIGHTY: double tap. if you walk away unsure if the zombie is still alive, chances will be that as soon as you turn your back they will come after you while you are unaware. remember, if youre stupid enough to not make sure its dead, then you deserve to join the party of the infected.
STEP EIGHTY ONE: if somebody says dont open the door, do NOT under any circumstances open the door.
STEP EIGHTY TWO: as humans we have survival instincts, and any normal survival instinct will tell you that anything and everything can be used as a weapon. improvise.